Author: kdorminy

“What the crap??….Jerk face.”

I thought we had started out well this morning. Thursdays are chapel days, so the girls have to be at school earlier than normal to practice. Mack gets to spend some quality time with his math teacher (a little extra help never hurt anyone).

Everyone was up and dressed and out the door, seemingly happy, at 7:00am. The mumbling and commotion at the car threw me off. “What in the world is going on out here?”

“She knew I called the front seat.” 

“No I didn’t!! I didn’t hear you say anything about it, so I got up here.”

“Well, Molly heard me. I know she did. (Turns to stare at Molly) Didn’t you hear me??” (Silence from Molly) “UUUGH. Well, fine. Just sit up there every time. You know you sit up there every time. Just act like you didn’t hear me. That is fine. I don’t care.”

After trying to keep the peace, I just started driving. And praying. That is what I do most of the time these days—-drive and pray. 

Just this morning I read I Peter and was reminded of sanctification—this process of becoming holy. ( “Be holy for I am holy.” … “Allow yourselves to be built up as a spiritual house” …“Finally, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit”… “but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts” ) It sounds daunting, and it is. It’s dying to my flesh. It’s cooperating, staying in step with the Lord in my daily life…all of those steps in a day add up to a life, so I must mind my steps.

A Desiring God article by Scott Hubbard on the subject of sanctification was in my inbox this morning as well. He quotes Gustaf Wingren from Luther on Vocation, 73: “Sanctification is hidden in offensively ordinary tasks.” (like giving up your right to the front seat, maybe?) Hubbard goes on to write that “very often, holiness hides in small things.”

Small things like unloading the dishwasher. Small things like being patient with my kids during homework time. Small things like picking up drycleaning, taking out the garbage, opening the door for someone, making a phone call to check on a friend, or giving preference to someone else for the front seat on the way to school.

Ruby wanted to practice her song for chapel, so we played it. 

“Jesus, You’re all the world to me. My song, My life, My everything. These riches are dust beneath my feet cause Jesus, You’re all the world to me. Set my eyes upon the hope that never fades. Place my feet upon the Rock that will not shake. Turn my heart from all the things I think I need. Oh Jesus, You’re all the world to me. Oh Jesus, You’re all the world to me.”

Big words to sing. How do we get from fighting over the front seat and name-calling to Jesus being all the world to us? Well, for this mama, I started by sharing about my time with the Lord with my kids. I explained to them that I am much like them. I often want my way, my timing, my comforts, my advancement over God’s way. I am frustrated by my daily tasks and think, “Is this it? Is this what I am good for—cleaning and cooking and driving and mostly for other people???” And I went on to tell them how saints are made at the sink of dirty dishes. I grow to be more like Christ as I give preference to someone else, die to my self. I rest in His goodness when I stop fighting for the limelight. I asked them how old they would be in ten years: “25.”  “24.”  “22.”

“Ten years down the road I am sure you want to be more mature, more godly, more like Jesus, and living out His purposes for your life. Well, those ten years are made up of little steps of sanctification. Seemingly little decisions that will make up a life. It matters what we do in the small, mundane things of life. I can’t be selfish and at the same time say that Jesus is all the world to me.” 

I challenged all of us to let Jesus fill the chasm between our selfishness and His holiness.

Between fighting over the front seat and seeing Jesus as all the world to us. 

Luke 16:10 “He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much.”

It’s been a little over three months since that dreadful morning my sister rushed into the room I was sleeping in upstairs at her house and told me my mom was dead—the how of it all too much to bear and sometimes too hurtful to speak outloud or type in black letters to stare back at me. 

I was at my sister’s house because I hadn’t visited my family in quite a while. Finally school was over, end of the year testing was complete, and Mack’s last football game of the season had just happened on Saturday. I drove to my sister’s house on Sunday, arriving in the afternoon. My mom had said about a week earlier that she wasn’t sure how she would be feeling and wasn’t sure she was up for a visit from me—which was totally unlike her. She cried when I told her I was going to stay with Marcy and that we could talk closer to time to see how she was feeling. She said she hated that she was not in a good place and couldn’t imagine us being so close but not seeing us. I reiterated with much kindness and understanding that the last thing I wanted to do was cause more anxiety. I told her I really wanted her to get better and keep withdrawing from the medicine. I understood that she wasn’t in a good place.  And though I knew she was withdrawing from a medicine, and I knew it was not pleasant, I had no idea the extent of her condition.

And even though she preferred I not come to her house, I felt like I needed to lay my eyes on her to see if I could help or encourage her in some way. I decided that I was going to sleep at Marcy’s house and then wake up and head to my parents house alone and without telling her since I didn’t want to overwhelm her with any thoughts about it beforehand. 

That visit never happened. I never got the chance to see her or hug her or encourage her.

I had a choice in the days following my mom’s death. I could be overwhelmed with thoughts like, “Why didn’t I get a chance to see my mom?”  “Why didn’t I just drive straight to her house Saturday?” “Why wouldn’t she have wanted to see me?” “Did she plan it this way?” I wondered if me being able to see her would have somehow changed this horrible outcome.

Or I could choose to rest in the fact that God is sovereign and good. He led me to my sister’s house to be there in the aftermath. I didn’t have a two and a half hour drive before me. I was with my sisters and dad right when I needed to be. God is trustworthy.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t have to hammer this out with God over the following weeks as grief was unfolding. But I can say I am resting in the truth of God’s goodness and sovereignty over the timing. 

God sees all and knows all. And I took some time this past week to go through the journal I was using from March through the date of my mom’s death. I was greatly encouraged to read the many ways God prepared me for this awful day in my life. 

I wrote about where we were in life at the beginning of the journal, as I always do with a new journal, on March 9, 2019:   “The kids got accepted to Carmel Christian School, and I will soon be wrapping up a decade of home schooling.” {Only God knew how bad this change at this time needed to happen. I am spent of energy and creativity that would be needed to home school! Thank you, Lord, for Your provision.} I ended with, “So here’s to filling another journal…ups and downs and everything in between. Thankful for the journey.”

“We have to maintain a venturing attitude toward Jesus all the time.” (from My Utmost)

March 11, 2019 after reading Psalm 16: “I am not afraid of what life may bring because of Your faithfulness.”

March 13, 2019 after a Jen Pollock Michel podcast: “Jesus doesn’t always anwer our questions.” Psalm 131. “The future is safely in God’s hand and sight. There is nothing to worry about.”

March 14, 2019 after reading Psalm 18 that proclaims the Lord is my strength and girds me with strength and trains my hands for battle SO THAT I can do hard things, I wrote, “Action in the future—I don’t know what that might mean, but I pray that You would be preparing me for what will come in the future.” 

And God did prepare me. Not by snapping His fingers. Not by pouring magic pixie dust on my head that morning. He prepared me by His grace and through His Word. And might I add that His Word doesn’t come into my mind by osmosis. I wake up earlier than my family just about every morning and open my Bible. I read His Word. I pray that He will shape me into the woman He wants me to be. It is a process and there is no perfection to be found in me, but I want to cooperate with God in the sanctification process and a HUGE part of it is listening to Him and obeying Him! 

March 21, 2019 I studied Psalm 23. “The Lord is my Shepherd” and G. Campbell Morgan says “When this is said, all is said.” And I can see how the Lord has guided me like a loving Shepherd. Guided me right to my sister’s house that evening knowing I would be walking through the valley of deep darkness. I can almost envision goodness and lovingkindness following my car all along the interstate from Charlotte, NC to Georgia. 

March 25, 2019 I read Psalm 26, “I have trusted in the Lord without wavering….my foot stands on a level place….” I prayed, “Lord, please give me an unwavering trust in You and Your ways! And plant my feet firmly on a level place.” G. Campbell Morgan says that “Prayer on the grounds of trusting God will ever guard the heart against panic.” Amen.

March 26, 2019 I read Psalm 28 and prayed more about God being my strength and girding me with His strength and making my hands strong for battle. I confessed that I needed His divine protection and closed the prayer with, “Thank You also for giving peace to me even while walking this earth that is not very peaceful.”

March 28, 2019. Psalm 31 “But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord. I say, ‘YOU ARE MY GOD.’ My times are in Your hand.” {even May 20, 2019}

March 29, 2019. Psalm 32 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go. I will counsel you with My eye upon you.”

March 30, 2019 (my 42nd birthday) I wrote, “Lord Jesus, Thank you for so many years. There have been so many wonderful days, so many challenging days, so many boring days, so many sad days, floundering days, celebratory days, disappointing days—and you have never changed through any of those days. You are the faithful, trustworthy One. Thank you for forming me and shaping me and loving me perfectly. There is no other who has been who You are to me, and I am deeply grateful for Your love, Your understanding, Your longsuffering, Your sacrifice, Your pursuit, Your protection, Your mercy, grace and kindness. I don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for Your hand on my life. I love you, Jesus. You are my God, and I need You still every moment of every day.”

April 1, 2019. Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” {Such a comfort to me.}

April 3, 2019. I was riveted by the thought of God holding my hand. Psalm 37 says “The Lord sustains the righteous….The steps of a man are established by the Lord. When he falls he will not be hurled headlong because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.” Wow. That verse would mean more and more to me in the days to come than I could have realized that morning.

April 8, 2019. Psalm 44. My prayer, “…and I know there will always be some sort of troubles, but You, God, will always be near.”

April 9, 2019. Psalm 46. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. God is our refuge and strength, Abundantly available for help in tight places.” I filled in the blank of this sentence with some of my current concerns: Therefore, we will not fear though “I’m unsure of what the next season looks like.”

I read Elisabeth Elliot’s book on Suffering. She gives wisdom on how to deal with suffering of any kind: 1)Recognize it, 2)Accept it, 3)Offer it to God as a sacrifice. And she says, “Lord, deliver me from making a career out of my troubles.” Good, good word.

April 10, 2019. Psam 47 and 48. “Lord, I can find complete resource in You! Thank You for this truth!! There is not a day or a single second I have to be afraid of Your good and perfect rule and ability to provide all I need.”

April 12, 2019 “I pray for humility and kindness to mark my day. It didn’t mark yesterday.”

April 15, 2019. Psam 52-55 “Lord, I am reminded that You are always at work. You always see our circumstances perfectly. I need godly perspective and I am thankful that You have faithfully taught me that You are good and trustworthy.” 

April 16, 2019. Psalm 56. “This I know, that God is for me.”

April 19, 2019. Listening to a song by City Alight “Come and find your hope now in Jesus, He is all He said He would be. Grace is overflowing from the Savior’s heart, rest here in His wondrous peace.”

April 23, 2019. Psalm 61. “Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I for You have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy.”

April 24, 2019. Psalm 62. God is the only sure thing, only solid ground. Lament—pour out your heart to Him.

April 25, 2019 in my prayer I wrote, “Your will is good and best and right. Some things I just need to be ok with not understanding.”

April 26, 2019. Psalm 65, “You have crowned the year with Your goodness and Your wagon tracks/paths drip with fatness.” I wrote, “ I have 5/2013, 2/2015, 6/2018, 11/2018, and 4/2019 written in the margin of this chapter of Psalms. Thank You, Lord, for helping me walk in the tracks You’ve given me, walking after You and Your ways and Your will for me…..Every date of my life has been under Your eye, under Your care….YOU CAN BE TRUSTED.”

April 27, 2019. Psalm 66. Verses 10-12 “Difficulties of life are real,” I wrote.

May 1, 2019. Psalm 107. I remembered a time about nine years ago that God used this chapter to speak so personally to me. “I have been stripped of many things and ideas and comforts and all for my good and Your glory, Lord. Keep searching and knowing me, Lord. I am desperate for You.”

May 5, 2019. Matthew 6. “Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.”

May 6, 2019. Matthew 7. Build your life on Jesus alone! I prayed, “Father, I want to build my life on You alone. All other things—no matter how wonderful—will fail me, will pass, are temporary. Only You are worthy of my all….Help me think clearly, see clearly, hear clearly, and act on anything you say, Lord.”

May 8, 2019. Luke 9. “When things are good, we want it to stay that way forever, but God changes things up on us at times. Go with God.”  I wrote in my prayer, “Lord, I pray for my mom’s mind. She is in a dark place withdrawing from the medicine. Please help her through this. Your good, gracious will be done.”

May 10, 2019. Matthew 11. “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humbe in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  I was reminded by Jen Michel that this yoke is something to carry nonetheless. “Lord Jesus, I am weary and somewhat heavy-laden and I need rest. I want to learn from You—to be like You, gentle and humble in heart and find rest for my soul as I walk with You. With You as my leader, I pray I would experience the easy yoke and the light burden. On my own it is unbearable. Keep me in step with You.”

May 11, 2019. At the top of the page all alone are the words, “Should I schedule Diane?” Diane is my counselor I saw a few months after we moved here to Charlotte. She was a huge help and less than ten days before my mom died, this thought came to my mind. God was preparing me.

I read an article by Scott Hubbard about emotions. It was amazing. In my notes I wrote, “Occassionally ask the question, ‘What if God takes it away?’ The test is: Will we, as far as we know ourselves, resolve to bless the Lord rather than curse Him, even if the worst comes? Job 1:21, Lamentations 3:22-23, Philippians 1:21”

From Scott Hubbard’s article I also wrote, “For the sake of our souls, we must seek Him. No matter how long ago we heard His ‘Follow Me’ there is more of Christ to be had. More of His beauty to be seen. More of His wisdom to be admired. More of his power to be feared. More of His friendship to be enjoyed. More of His grace to be treasured. More of his comfort to be felt. More of His authority to be hailed. More of His worth to be confessed.” 

May 13, 2019. Listened to a song during my quiet time, “He Will Hold Me Fast.”

May 16, 2019. “I prayed for my mama when I woke up at 1am, 2am, and couldn’t sleep til 4am. I trust You with my mom.” Psalm 121. “I am resting in this psalm.” This is no small thing as I read the psalm again. It speaks of keeping my eyes on the Lord as my only Help. He never sleeps. He holds me steady. He keeps me. He protects me from all evil and the last verse speaks so much to my questions about why I was so close to my mom but didn’t get to see her, “The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever.” He misses nothing. This timing was not a mistake on His part.

May 19, 2019. Matthew 18 and Luke 18. In a very emotional prayer I write, “In all circumstances, help me carry Your bag of seed with me and be assured there will be a harvest, there will be fruit—through tears and joy.” I added at the end as I prayed about my trip to see my mom and dad and sisters, “Help me unplug and hear from You on this trip.”

And He did allow me to hear from Him on that trip. I am in awe as I look back over just the three months leading up to my mom’s suicide at how God prepared me in a million ways through His Word and His Presence. I am sure I could go back to the many journals before and see more building blocks He laid. He makes us in our time with Him. There is no magic formula. Every morning isn’t sunshine and rainbows as I read my Bible, but as God holds my hand and teaches me and loves me and reminds me of Who He is to me and how He wants to work through me, I am being prepared. Without the foundation of Christ, what a mess May 20, 2019 would have been for me. Oh, it was a terribly horrific day—don’t hear me say it wasn’t that. But hear me say, time with The Lord isn’t just something to check off your list. It isn’t just something you need in a crisis. It is making you into the person God wants you to be. The crises will come. You don’t know when. I surely didn’t know what was about to happen in my life, but The Lord most certainly knew. And He made me ready with His strength and grace and truth. 

So now three months later I don’t wonder why I didn’t get to see my mom. I don’t spend my days wondering why she chose this timing and this way. Instead, I wonder in amazement that God was so good to prepare me little by little for days and days beforehand. I wonder in amazement that He had me so close to my sisters and dad. I wonder at the way He helped me make difficult decisions and phone calls just minutes after hearing the horrible news. I wonder in amazement at how Josh was able to come and be with me immediately because he had a light week of work, which is super rare.  I wonder in amazement at the help of so many during our dark time. I wonder at how God is using this situation to turn my kids’ hearts more towards His heart and purposes for their lives.

{From Suprised by Paradox, page 190, by Jen Michel}

“Maybe the mystery of suffering isn’t only that this world could be so fragile; maybe it’s also that God could be so close, bending His ear to the earth to let every grieving heart crawl inside and find rest. Not answers, but comfort. Not certainty, but trust. And perhaps this is enough to tide us over till the dawning of a new world when the heavy boots of death are sent straight to hell and everything fragile is made unbreakable again, where falling becomes rising and faith becomes sight. A world where wonder is finally made worship.”

I was having a conversation on the phone with a friend the other day, and she was having trouble hearing me. “Can you hear me now?” became something we asked to one another back and forth across the line. I drove faster to get to the top of the hill. She changed to speaker phone. She eventually hung up and tried again. We hadn’t talked in a while, and we wanted to hear every word the other person was saying. It was taking a lot of effort to just talk. We were trying to get in to the best position to hear and be heard. We decided a face to face talk was necessary, so we scheduled one to look forward to! I can’t wait to actually be in her presence. It will make communicating much more effective.

Moses wanted God’s presence more than anything else. And he told God that in Exodus 33. God’s response was “My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest.”(Exodus 33:14)

What a special word from God. God’s presence with me in any situation, no matter how traumatic, can still allow room for rest.

I have had some challenges here lately and reading God’s words to Moses greatly encouraged my heart. I need God’s presence. I want the rest He offers.

Rest from worry.

Rest from trying to figure everything out.

Rest from the heaviness of feeling so responsible for every person in my family.

Rest from anxiousness that is always right around every corner.

Rest from insecurities.

Rest from people-pleasing.

Rest from frustrations.

Rest from feeling misunderstood.

Rest from performing.

Rest from feeling like I operate in life from a defecit.

How about you? Need rest from some junk? God is with you. He will give you rest. Go to Him. Read His promises. 

In Exodus 33:21 God told Moses (after Moses asked to see His glory), “Behold, there is a place with Me and you shall stand there on the rock;”

Have you stood by God in a while? Simply wanting to be near Him? Sensing Him as the only solid foundation in all of life?

Moses put himself in positions to hear from God. God told him in Exodus 34:2, “So, be ready by morning, and come up in the morning to Mount Sinai and present yourself there to Me on the top of the mountain.”

When is the last time you presented yourself to God? Just showed up as you are expectant to hear from Him?

God’s Word is to us and for us. As we spend time with God, we get a better sense of Him and that allows us to rise above the junk of the earth. We see things as they truly are after being with God. We are able to release our worries and rest in His goodness and faithfulness. 

“The Lord, The Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindess and faithfulness.” Exodus 34:6

It’s worth any effort or energy to put yourself in positions to hear from God. You won’t waste a second of your life seeking Him. He speaks to His children. He offers us rest. I want to take Him up on that!

This is our first full week of “real” school. I don’t know why we have been calling it “real school.” As if the past ten years have been fake school??? I don’t know, but here we are on Tuesday morning of the week and things are going well.

Ruby gives me a very methodical overview of her day that I follow with ease. Molly tells me random stories about this girl and that boy and what she did at lunch. Mack always starts with something negative. That is so special. But he does eventually end with telling me how fun P.E. is. 

The first evening, I sat with each kid and went through their binders and got a feel for how they were organized and went over their syllabus’ and teacher expectations. I got to Mack and told him to bring me his bookbag. “Umm, I didn’t bring anything home in my bookbag,” he said. “Well, just bring me your bookbag and let’s take a look,” I tell him…because surely there’s something in your bookbag from the first day of school. “Mom, I LITERALLY have nothing in my bookbag,” he clearly re-stated. And, indeed, he left everything in his locker because, “They said we didn’t need anything.”

I cleared it up with him that he should bring everything home for a while so that we can be sure we stay on top of assignments.

“Mom, you’re gonna have to let us do this on our own, ya know.”

“Yes, I know, but not THE FIRST DAY OF REAL SCHOOL IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, BUDDY!”

And some have asked what I have been doing with all my time. My immediate thought is that I don’t know how in the world I homeschooled three kids. THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO! Things like laundry, cleaning bathrooms, grocery shopping, drycleaning runs, organizing cabinets that have been cluttered for too long, and many other chore-like things.  THEN, there’s the fun stuff like working out without feeling like I should be at home, reading for pleasure without guilt of ignoring my kids, walking the dog, meeting friends for lunch, and Target runs, of course.

Mondays are what I call “Moving Mondays.” I must keep moving—wake up for quiet time and coffee, take kids to school, go workout, home to clean bathrooms and do laundry, get dinner in crockpot, back for afternoon cardio workout and then pick up kids and then home to help kids with homework, finish dinner and eventually fall into bed.

Tuesdays are eventually going to be filled with a morning Bible study. Then, the afternoon will be bill paying, email sending, school check-in on the program that tells me how the kids are doing in their classes, a blog post, etc. And dinner prep. Always dinner prep. 

Not sure about Wednesday’s name yet. There will be a workout and eventually evening church. And Thursday is my free day where I aim for solitude and rest and reading, listening, prayer and HOME. Maybe “Thankful Thursday.” Friday is a workout and then I don’t know exactly….gearing up for the weekend, I suppose. 

But today could have been “Target Tuesday” because I totally dropped off the kids and went to roam Target. It was awesome. I thought clearly. I bought what I wanted and needed to buy. I am pretty sure Josh would not appreciate a legit “Target Tuesday” though. That place is dangerous. 

But I sure did have fun this morning. I’ve been doing laundry, talking with a friend, and snacking on chips and salsa in a quiet house. It’s a good Tuesday around here. 

This is our family before heading out the door for Molly’s birthday dinner.

This is the table we sat at while we waited two hours to get our food.

This is the photo we got a lady to take for us after dinner. She wasn’t all that happy to do it, but this is the party group.

This is Molly with her cake that states a fact: “Molly is 14.”

This is Noah standing with his fact cake: “Noah is 21.” (Except he won’t be til Tuesday.)

And this blog is a post to poke fun at myself, as all of the birthday party attendees did when they saw my choice of wording on the cakes. Josh and I had tried to be creative. We came up with some funny sayings to put on the cakes, but couldn’t decide. Then, I was left alone and was feeling DECISION FATIGUE after the past couple of weeks. So this is what they got. The facts. And a very funny birthday song Grant came up with after being inspired by these facts on the cookie cakes.

But the fact is–Molly is awesome. I love her so much. I love how God made her and how she stretches me in a million ways. She is a people person to the core. The more, the merrier is her life motto. She cannot have enough of partying and people and talking. She was born a teenager. Persistent is the word that most described her as a little girl. And she is still persistent today, but I seem to handle it better…or ignore it….not sure which. She likes peace and does her best to make peace all around her. She loves music and worshipping. She is independent and has a ton of common sense. I always call on her to do stuff for me or find stuff for me. I am grateful for 14 years of Molly in our life!

Happy Birthday, Molly-Moo! We love you.

This day arrived. It really did happen. The kids started traditional school today for the first time in their lives. 

I often got the question throughout the past ten years, “Will you homeschool the whole way through?” 

I always thought I would, but I wasn’t arrogant enough to think I had a ten year plan for my life, so I usually answered with, “We just take it year by year.” And for the most part that was true. 

But today marked the official end of ten years of homeschooling and fifteen years of just being with my kids every day. They never even attended Wee School or Mother’s Morning Out. I always felt so responsible for them, and I never had a peace about spending money on someone else taking care of my kids when I was home and not working outside of the home. I’m not sure that was right thinking, but it was my reality nonetheless.

But this morning, with lunchboxes packed, bookbags hoisted over backs, and some butterflies in bellies, we drove to their new school. I was feeling strong and happy…giddy even. Until I walked inside to participate in surprising the middle schoolers with a parent tunnel as they made their way to their first class. The parents were cheering and clapping. I felt the tears coming, but I was fighting them off hard. Biting my lip. Looking away. Clearing my throat. Smiling, but not making eye contact with anyone. 

But they came anyway. Dripping slowly out while we cheered for the kids. I spotted my freckled face seventh grader and made sure he saw me without making too big of a deal about it. And once the line was over, I wanted to high tail it to my car to cry, but I managed to walk composed through the parking lot. “Enjoy the Journey” played through my phone into my car as soon as I started driving…I did not set that song to play and haven’t heard it in many, many months. And the tears came heavy. It has been an amazing journey as mom and homeschool mom, and I know this new section of our journey will be just as amazing. Deep gratitude filled my heart and mind as I thought about God’s good guiding hand on our lives. 

Even this week God met me in the pages of Exodus. I read about the Israelite’s deliverance from Egypt as slaves {not to compare homeschooling to slavery or being with my kids every day as something I needed deliverance from…though some days that wouldn’t be a stretch}. But God told Moses and Aaron that “This month should be the beginning of months for you…” The word BEGINNING jumped off the page to me. God is ever the God of new beginnings. He guides us to new places. He supplies our needs in the new places. He calms our fears in the new places. We get to proclaim His faithfulness in the new places as He proves His trustworthiness to us over and over again.

I rode the rest of the way home without crying until I got to a stop sign in my neighborhood and saw this:

Oh my gracious!!! Here come the tears again. I just can’t help but think God timed this. A little glance back to when my three were right with me in those younger years. I wanted to roll my window down and cheer on that mom—the same way I had cheered for those middle schoolers this morning. “Woooohhooooooo!!! You go, Mama!!! Look at you peddaling that bike with your baby attached. And wow, you are keeping three humans alive and thriving. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!! I see you!!!!! What you are doing matters more than you know!!! Keep, It. Up.!!!!!!!” 

And I wouldn’t say this outloud to her, but I would know it in my heart—The days are long, but the years are short. Enjoy the journey with your children. 

And never forget that you are God’s child on your own journey with Him. Enjoy Him. Listen to Him. He is your biggest cheerleader. 

“In Your lovingkindness You have led the people whom You have redeemed; In Your strength You have guided them to Your holy habitation.” Exodus 15:13

        Ruby (10th grade), Molly (9th grade), Mack (7th grade)

MOM-retired teacher                        ROLO- confused dog

I suppose you could say we are getting a jump on our kids being in school all day. Josh and I met for lunch today! On a regular old Tuesday. And it was so fun. I got my hair done and then rode over to his office to wait on him. While I was in the parking lot, I listened to a podcast (Nothing is Wasted by Davey Blackburn). His counselor was on talking about marriage. I took notes and had some great talking points for our lunch conversation. 

I was sharing with Josh how a text he sent earlier that morning could have been a little softer, a little kinder. 

He simply said, “I was in a meeting and just needed to answer your question.”

“I get that. I know you are a simple person with texts. I know you don’t coddle people or have much patience with big emotions or touchy people, but you married me and I need you to know that you could have simply added, ‘I know you are capable of (what we were talking about), but I only need you to do this at this point.’ Just letting me know that you know I have a brain in my head for more than switching laundry and picking up your drycleaning would be helpful.”  He smiled and said, “True. I receive that.”

He rebutted that he did tell me all the things I accused him of not telling me last week when he asked me to do this certain thing. 

I normally would have said, “No, you didn’t say that.”

He would have insisted that “Yes, I did say that.”

Then, I would have said, “You didn’t say that. You think you did, but all you said was…..”

And then he would have said, “I really did say that. I don’t think you heard that part.”

Then I would have pouted and not wanted to talk to him during lunch. I know, I am real mature. 

This bantering could go on forever. And we would sound like our children arguing in the backseat of the car.

Thankfully I was prepared for this because of the podcast. So, I said, “I don’t remember you saying anything like that. I could have not heard you, but I don’t recall that part at all.”

He was able to, instead of defending himself immediately, admit that, “You know, I have said it so much at work that maybe I thought I was clear with you, but maybe I wasn’t.”

And we moved on instead of getting stuck in “YOU said that…..No I didn’t say that.”

And I went on to talk to him about the podcast. In particular, we discussed communication. She encourages couples to schedule  “Marriage Staff Meeting.” This meeting can be once or even twice a week. It’s your scheduled time to talk about the hard stuff you may be dealing with in your marriage. She mentioned adultery specifically…saying that many times one person has lots of questions while the other person wants to talk about nothing pertaining to this topic. Scheduling a time of discussion will give one person a chance to ask questions while the other person will be able to answer and discuss because it is for a set time. Bringing up the issues and questions at any time of any day or night can be stressful and invade your whole life in a way that blocks out fun or joy of any kind. Makes sense to me. 

Thank the Lord Josh and I don’t have adultery to discuss, but we do have plenty of other bumps in the road of life that need our attention. One of the main points about communication was to recognize that communication is a two-way street. There is a SPEAKER and a LISTENER. She made the point that even when you are the speaker, you don’t always pay enough attention to what you are saying. I may say one of my kids’ names in a story when I meant to say the other kids’ name. Or I could say something happened yesterday when it was actually this morning. I don’t always speak exactly what I mean to speak.

The Listener has a filter of their own life circumstances that could cause confusion. Or maybe the listener is distracted or thinking of what they want to say. 

At this point I told Josh we could discuss home renovations, next vacation, financial budget, etc. at our Marriage Staff Meeting. He perked up when I mentioned finances. Now I was speaking his language. “Yeah, I would like to go over the budget soon.”

I told Josh I need a cap on Amazon prime in the area of books or maybe I should get a library card! Here’s how the convo went:

Kristy: I think I spend way too much on books, but I need you to tell me to stop. I have no self control.

Josh: Well, I don’t mind investing in books. How many would you read in a month?

Kristy: I could read three books a month pretty easily. But that’s just too much.

Josh: No, three is great. {at the point he is thinking in his head. I am still at the lunch table; I have not entered his head} That would be sixty a month or so.

Kristy: Huh? You mean a year…{I am slow at math and figured he was trying to see how many books I would read in a year at that rate}

Josh: {Looking at me like I am sloooow} I mean a month.

Kristy: I don’t understand.

Josh: 60 a month.

Kristy: 60 what?

JOsh: 60 dollars. I said that.
Kristy: No, you said, “Sixty a month.” I didn’t know what you meant.

Josh: I think I said Sixty dollars a month if the book is about $20.

Kristy: You had that whole conversation in your head because I just heard you say “Sixty a month” with no clarifying points or additional words. 

 {At this point Josh recalls the conversation, repeating how it went and then realized he did indeed say “Sixty a month” and expected I read his mind.}

We both laughed and thought how great to have had two specific instances happen about this little tip on communication….you don’t always say exactly what you think you say. And the person listening would do well to summarize in their own words what they heard you say so that you can be sure that you are communicating well. I love that. And funny thing, I have heard this before, but I think you know as well as I do that we tend to not always practice good communication even though we know what might work best. Life gets busy. We get impatient. And that’s when things can go bad. 

So let me encourage you to show some grace to your spouse {and others!} when it comes to communication. Recognize the potential for miscommunication. And, like the counselor’s second point emphasized, be a truly good listener. Put your own concerns on hold and give your spouse you full attention—no interrupting, no commenting, no defending yourself and then when they are done, ASK OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS. Any Who, What, When, Where or How questions…usually no Why questions as they are often just hidden statements or even jabs at the person. I think I will give this a try this evening!

It takes effort, intentionality and genuine love to be a good communicator—-speaking or listening. I want to be good at both! 

We left Sabor around 5:45pm and headed towards home. We were driving separately. Me alone, and Josh and Mack in the truck behind me. It hit me that I actually did have time to make it to Ember, a local gathering of ladies that gather under the banner of Jesus. I took a right on Providence Road at the last second…the irony was not lost on me. I sensed that I was supposed to go. I hadn’t particularly been super anxious to go because, first of all, I was alone. Secondly, after dinner I am usually ready to be home and chill out. And thirdly, I am just in a season of deep introspection and it can be exhausting. But I knew that the Lord was saying, “Go and Be.” That sounded simple enough. And that is what I did. 

I made small talk with a girl standing alone waiting for her friends to arrive. I caught up with a sweet lady I met when I first moved to Charlotte three years ago. I even ran into a lady I had been in Bible Study with a couple of years ago and had just seen earlier that day at the mall. We caught up a little bit more, realizing maybe God had caused our paths to cross and meant for us to have a conversation, and I now know better how to pray for her. 

So far, so good. 

I walked in the sanctuary at 7:00pm, roamed around a bit before deciding to sit in the middle section more than halfway back and in the middle of a row. 

I was soon surrounded by ladies. Nice ladies who came with other people. They talked with me some, and we made some connections while we chatted. As the service began and the worship music started, my heart was warmed and I was glad I was there. I noticed the two rows in front of me and the ladies to my right were all together. A young group that obviously knew and cared for one another deeply. It reminded me so much of our days in Woodstock, Ga. at First Baptist Woodstock. Man, I was missing my friends. Missing those days when I was in my twenties and newly married. Life was there for the taking! Time was on my side. I grew up with many of the ladies that became my dearest friends. The community we built in Woodstock was unique and special and such a support. My mind stayed there in Woodstock for a little bit while I watched the girls in front of me interact and worship together.

The speakers for the evening were on a panel and were asked questions about personal Bible study, prayer, discipleship and community. They did a great job and gave wonderful examples of how God has been personal to each one of them through His Word and His Spirit and His church. I was encouraged. If I am honest, I wasn’t blown away with anything new, but I was definitely saying, “YES!” and “Amen!” in my heart and head. 

When Whitney Blight began to close the evening with prayer, she asked for those in need of prayer to raise their hands and those of us around them would pray for them. She mentioned that she had prayed that each of us would be divinely seated in the exact spot that we found ourselves. As I prayed alone, I thanked God for getting me there that evening. Thanked Him for stirring my mind to memories of past community and friendships and asked that He might help me cultivate more of that in my life in this season. I prayed for my current church to continue to grow, for God to bring ladies who also want to grow in their knowledge of Him and grow in their friendships. It was a sweet time. Then, we stood up to sing some more, and I watched the group in front of me continue to pray for each other and talk to each other. I saw two of them hug for a very long time. I think one of them was praying in the ear of the other. I felt the hot tears pop out from my eyes. So thankful to see their friendship and love. So sad that moving here seemed to stifle that for me. I continued to sing. I continued to pray. I continued to feel tear after tear roll down my cheeks. 

Then, the lady to my right leaned towards me and said, “I think you need a hug.” She hugged me; I cried some more, and I thanked her for being so kind.

 I drove home and smiled as I thought about how personal God is. He heard Whitney’s prayer to divinely seat us. And He heard my need for a hug and provided just the right person to sit next to me. It may seem like a small thing. And I guess in one sense it is. But that is just how God is! He knows the small, little things we need. What a thoughtful Father! I am thankful to be His child.

Matthew 6:8 “…for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.”

Several years ago I was in the counselor’s office discussing what a great day looked like for me versus what a horrible day looked like for me. We were also analyzing the days in light of what could be a warning sign for me that things were on a downward spiral. I immediately thought of the laundry room. 

The laundry room is where I have most of my mental breakdowns. It’s where I begin yelling at the kids and asking them if they have a clue about anything in life if they still don’t know how to complete one load of laundry. It’s where I may or may not have yelled to one kid that I would beat him within an inch of his life based on his horrible laundry room practices.  {Of course I wouldn’t ever actually beat my child. It’s just a figure of speech….that I probably shouldn’t use.}

So yesterday when I heard my voice getting louder and louder as I called all the kids to the laundry room to explain what in the heck was going on in there, I knew deep down that I was indeed on a downward spiral. There I stood in that laundry room about to lose my mind… again. 

What’s your red flag of warning? Do you have one? Do you recognize it for what it is? Do you use it to get yourself to step back and take a deep breath before ruining the whole day with your harsh words and actions? It’s interesting to think about and figure out. Give it a try…think about what warning signs you have in your life that can be used as a wake-up call to reign yourself back in. 

I am going to take a few deep breaths right now and then head into my laundry room to start some clothes. Prayers are appreciated.

Josh took the girls to dinner. Mack and I took Rolo to get her nails cut and to roam PetSmart for a few new toys and treats. Then, we swung through Chick-fil-a and headed right back home for watching the Braves game. Hanging out with Mack is fun and usually pretty simple. Just get him Chick-fil-a.

{This dog is so cute, if I do say so myself.}

Shopping wore her out!