I have never been touted as being optimistic. Not necessarily pessimistic. Just realistic.
And I feel the need to just say it clearly—Life is hard. The layers of emotions and challenges and ridiculousnesses of life can really wear someone down.
I have taken a break from Instagram and WOW what a refreshment to my soul. For real. I am getting more and more in touch with my own thoughts and desires and it is so healthy. I am also immersed in the last few weeks of summer with my kids before they start their first ever “real” school year. And I am honestly about to lose my mind.
I don’t know who thought it was a great idea to let 15 year old know it all children be able to learn to drive. I mean, the world is already against them, let’s give them keys to my car and put Mom or Dad in the passenger seat to give orders. More orders that the 15 year old doesn’t really want to listen to because the 15 year old knows everything.
Or the extroverted middle child who cannot breathe calmly if there is no social event in the next 24 hours. She has come to me with a birthday guest list of 45. She is turning 14. That is not like “13” or “Sweet 16” or “I’m officially an adult at 18.” It’s 14. But people help her function, so a party is on her mind. And gifts, very specific gifts. But the school clothes and shoes we just bought her don’t count. Nor do the colored pencils and index cards I guess.
Then there is Mack who has decided during his last few weeks before attending “real” school he would open and put together all 18 of his Tinker Crate Projects. I bought these things as a subscription for him to do every month as a Science supplement. They collected dust until yesterday and now I cannot use my kitchen table. I have robots and planetariums and more scattered all over the place.
Let’s talk about the school supplies for three children. Wowza. Amazon deliveries arrive daily, and we mark off items from the school supply list. The stack has grown exponentially over the last week, and I can’t walk on one side of my kitchen table.
Laundry. I can do my laundry easily. In the washer, move to dryer, fold and put away. The kids do laundry like they are toddlers given the assignment. I can’t even come upstairs when they are in the process because I seriously lose my mind. Clean or dirty piles? Who knows?!?! And Mack uses entirely too much detergent. I cannot convince him it is concentrated. And Ruby will fold her clothes “tomorrow.” It’s always tomorrow. Such great plans for tomorrow.
And these are just the issues I would actually talk about on the blog. There are more, believe me. There are more! The difficult issues that take time and lots of prayer and lots of discussions to walk through. The issues we don’t really talk about because it could be embarrassing or you could think I am a terrible parent. Those kind of issues. But guess what? We all have them. And I just want to say that my “pre-this age kids” self would have probably judged you. For that, I am deeply sorry. But this Kristy, this 42 year old mom of a 12, 13 and 15 year old has thrown judgment and criticalness out the window because I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. I am praying and doing my best, but I can’t even see any semblance of perfection within a gazillion trillion miles of my house. I think we are making progress, but most days that is still uncertain.
So that is the blog post today. I am in a little season of trying to keep my head above water. Paddling like crazy. Kicking my legs like there’s no tomorrow.
And don’t give me the whole Jesus is able to carry you through everything and keep you from drowning. I know this. I know this and believe this. But I am also just being real. Today feels like almost drowning. Today feels like tired legs and tired arms. I think I will just go to bed.
