Glance back sometimes

I was released from counseling last week. {That is, until something new or extra challenging arises.} She told me that she was proud of me for following through with the whole process of EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). She said it can become too challenging, too emotional, too exhausting and too easy to quit. But I didn’t quit. I followed all the way through to the end and am so grateful for the experience and the healing.

During the months of counseling, I was tasked to make lists of some of my worst memories. I made lists of my best memories. I set up a team of wisdom friends, encouraging friends, and safety friends in my mind. I established a peaceful place with just the Lord and me in my head as well. All of these steps were crucial. But the most beneficial part of all of it was looking back over my whole life and seeing God with me at unlikely times. On my own I just saw this or that as a bad decision or a terrible situation I was put in. But there’s always more to it when you are a child of God. Even though the past is over, so many times in scripture there are calls to REMEMBER God’s faithfulness. How else do we remember without the backward look at our years?

G.Campbell Morgan says, “How constantly the backward look reveals Divine guidance where it seemed most unlikely.”

And this is what I found over and over again over these past few months. The Lord has been amazingly personal and mind-boggling faithful to me. 

Meditating on this truth and seeing it in my life, gives me hope for my present and future. And not only mine, but particularly for Ruby in this season of her life. There are so many things I am feeling these days as her senior year draws closer to the end and her future at Liberty University begins! There is a temptation to worry—about her safety, about her new room mate (who will it be??), about her major, about who she will meet for friends or even if a boyfriend is in her future over the next four years in college. Did I teach her enough? Does she have the tools necessary to succeed? Will she have opportunities and open doors?

And the answer is a resounding yes— she will have all she needs. She is a child of God. He loves her. He sees her. He will walk with her. He will open doors. He will bring friends. He will teach her all along the way— of this I am confident! And she will look back one day and be amazed at all the unlikely places that God used to guide her into His purposes for her life.

Psalm 84:11-12 “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly, O Lord of hosts, How blessed is the man who trusts in You!”

Psalm 37:23-26 “The steps of a man are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand. I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread. All day long he is gracious and lends and his descendants are a blessing.”

All of this also reminds me about something I tell the kids often. I did TERRIBLE on the SAT. I ended up taking the ACT and getting a decent enough score to go to a Junior College in the absolute middle of nowhere, Georgia. 

Where I met Josh.

Clearly, the Lord was in that terrible SAT score and guided me to THE best husband for me on the planet, so I win. And the Lord will do the same for Ruby and Molly and Mack. We have to learn to trust God in every season of our lives. And only God can help us do that. 

Psalm 1:1-3

“How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.”

I stand over the washing machine. It is whistling and whining and shaking and rattling. Do I have other things to do besides babysit a 21 plus year old washer? Why, yes, I do. But I also don’t have time for a flooding of my upstairs. So I stand there. Waiting. Watching. Wishing I had ordered a new machine three days ago when I figured out the water on the floor was coming from under the washing machine. 

Next up is a group text about something for my kids that I didn’t really want to be a part of in the first place, yet I am the one having to make decisions and adjust plans and get this kid to a certain place on a certain day on which I was intending to take a breath and catch up on things around the house—like the laundry I won’t be doing while we wait on the new washer to be delivered. 

I water plants out in the freezing cold.

I pull up trash cans from the road that some kid that lives here said he’d do later.

I fold clothes.

I unload the dishwasher.

I lay out the chicken I will be cooking for dinner.

I eat lunch at home like I do most days. While eating, I read an article by one of my favorite writers. She writes so well and it reminds me that I like to write. I actually love to write. To string words together and tell a story or make someone laugh or cry or make someone think—and even better if they laugh, cry, and think in the same paragraph. I haven’t written in so very long. I have notes here, there and yonder. Starred words on a page to remind me to come back and write about this or that. Yet, I haven’t been going back to the stars. I haven’t spent time typing out words that have been rolling around in my mind and heart. 

No, I am babysitting washing machines. 

I suppose this could sound like a pity party. I suppose there are women who would love to be at home doing these things. I agree with the sentiment—SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT. And yes, so many times I know that “somebody” is me. And sometimes I am glad it is me. But I miss writing. I miss creativity. I miss documenting life around here in this season. I miss using my brain in new ways. Just the other day I had to straighten up an often-used closet. I didn’t want to do it. Not because it was hard. To the contrary. It was so mundane and so simple. I still had to say outloud over and over, “I am the CEO of this house. I am the CEO of this house. Now, get this closet back in order!” And that is what I did. 

Gah! This isn’t ending in a positive light. I am trying to think of a way to spin it to something nice and sweet and deep, but that isn’t coming to me. 

It’s just this one thing— I miss writing.

So stayed tuned….maybe sooner than later I will make the time to put on a writer’s hat and open up this laptop for more than five minutes. Don’t give up on me just yet. 🙂