I made a decision to go to the beach with Ruby and Molly. We are each in a season of growing and learning more about who we are—and sometimes this season is tense & heavy and sometimes it is fun & encouraging. When Ruby turned 13 I remember it being a strange revelation of sorts. My mom went to work in the real estate world when I was 13. She became successful and well-respected as a hard worker, and I am proud of her for that. But she also had to sacrifice time with her family. Time with her three girls. She didn’t have a ton of energy to put in to our relationship. I know I’m an intuitive feeler and really can be high maintenance when it comes to bonding and needing to feel known and seen. So I was greatly challenged to evaluate where I was with Ruby and Molly as they entered the teen years. I’ve said many times that kids in their teens need their mom and dad’s attention as much as when they are toddlers or are in early elementary school. It’s such a trying time with so many emotions and tons of peer pressure. I wanted to do it right. And at the same time, I can understand my mom’s desire to try something new, to use her brain and make some money. I’m sure I didn’t communicate clearly my need for her attention and desire to have time with her. But I did need it and want it.
So in an effort to show my girls I value them and want to know them and to try and ensure they want to spend time with me as the years go by, I thought we should go to the beach together. Do something fun! Get away from our regular routine and get away from laundry😊 It’s been a great time. Worth every penny.
I made the reservations before my mom died. I was more determined than ever to make these few days matter after her death because I don’t have many memories like this with my mom. I have long settled that in my heart. She did a ton for me. And she also loved spending time with my dad, which made it challenging to get away with just her. Again, that’s another point I came to terms with long ago.
The girls talked a lot and shared stories from camp last week. They talked about their new school and some of their anxieties around it, but also all the reasons they’re excited to get started. I’m reminded how different they each are. And how different I am from them, yet what a sweet bond we have as mother and daughter. I really enjoyed being with them without any of the distractions of our normal days.
We went shopping, ate good food, lounged on the beach, went for a walk, played cards, talked, and read. I’m so glad we did this together. The girls said their favorite part was shopping. They aren’t major beach girls…I, on the other hand, could stay out there for hours and hours! Not sure where we will go next year, but I will make sure it is near good shopping!
I have never been touted as being optimistic. Not necessarily pessimistic. Just realistic.
And I feel the need to just say it clearly—Life is hard. The layers of emotions and challenges and ridiculousnesses of life can really wear someone down.
I have taken a break from Instagram and WOW what a refreshment to my soul. For real. I am getting more and more in touch with my own thoughts and desires and it is so healthy. I am also immersed in the last few weeks of summer with my kids before they start their first ever “real” school year. And I am honestly about to lose my mind.
I don’t know who thought it was a great idea to let 15 year old know it all children be able to learn to drive. I mean, the world is already against them, let’s give them keys to my car and put Mom or Dad in the passenger seat to give orders. More orders that the 15 year old doesn’t really want to listen to because the 15 year old knows everything.
Or the extroverted middle child who cannot breathe calmly if there is no social event in the next 24 hours. She has come to me with a birthday guest list of 45. She is turning 14. That is not like “13” or “Sweet 16” or “I’m officially an adult at 18.” It’s 14. But people help her function, so a party is on her mind. And gifts, very specific gifts. But the school clothes and shoes we just bought her don’t count. Nor do the colored pencils and index cards I guess.
Then there is Mack who has decided during his last few weeks before attending “real” school he would open and put together all 18 of his Tinker Crate Projects. I bought these things as a subscription for him to do every month as a Science supplement. They collected dust until yesterday and now I cannot use my kitchen table. I have robots and planetariums and more scattered all over the place.
Let’s talk about the school supplies for three children. Wowza. Amazon deliveries arrive daily, and we mark off items from the school supply list. The stack has grown exponentially over the last week, and I can’t walk on one side of my kitchen table.
Laundry. I can do my laundry easily. In the washer, move to dryer, fold and put away. The kids do laundry like they are toddlers given the assignment. I can’t even come upstairs when they are in the process because I seriously lose my mind. Clean or dirty piles? Who knows?!?! And Mack uses entirely too much detergent. I cannot convince him it is concentrated. And Ruby will fold her clothes “tomorrow.” It’s always tomorrow. Such great plans for tomorrow.
And these are just the issues I would actually talk about on the blog. There are more, believe me. There are more! The difficult issues that take time and lots of prayer and lots of discussions to walk through. The issues we don’t really talk about because it could be embarrassing or you could think I am a terrible parent. Those kind of issues. But guess what? We all have them. And I just want to say that my “pre-this age kids” self would have probably judged you. For that, I am deeply sorry. But this Kristy, this 42 year old mom of a 12, 13 and 15 year old has thrown judgment and criticalness out the window because I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. I am praying and doing my best, but I can’t even see any semblance of perfection within a gazillion trillion miles of my house. I think we are making progress, but most days that is still uncertain.
So that is the blog post today. I am in a little season of trying to keep my head above water. Paddling like crazy. Kicking my legs like there’s no tomorrow.
And don’t give me the whole Jesus is able to carry you through everything and keep you from drowning. I know this. I know this and believe this. But I am also just being real. Today feels like almost drowning. Today feels like tired legs and tired arms. I think I will just go to bed.
I don’t want to play the game
I don’t live inside a screen
I’m not for sale, not a brand, not a name
No, I am a human being
.
I want to let all my friends up close
Where I’m fragile, unfiltered and weak
Cause only the broken can be redeemed
It’s the way of the human being
.
From dust we came to dust we’ll go
Still Love has called our names
We were made for more than the mindless scroll
Or acting on a stage
Oh can’t you feel that ache?
.
Instrumental
.
So teach me to number my days
Turn my eyes from worthless things
I want to see my children and watch them grow
Pray in the secret when no one knows
Look up at the stars and turn down the noise
And listen for that still, small voice
I want to lay down the trifles and choose the feast
‘Cause we were made for eternal things
I am a human
We are all human
We are all human beings
.
.
.
I just emptied out two cups full of nasty sunflower seeds that had been sitting on the counter for three days. I cleaned them out, but I am pretty sure that was my last time. That is gross, and I am totally in the right to expect that the boys who spit them out into the cup should be the ones to clean the cup. I do a lot for the boys in my life, but that is not gonna be one of them.
I did it because, well, Mack has hung out with me all week and it hasn’t all been fun. Molly and Ruby went to Church Beach Camp this week.
I am sure I will get more photos upon their arrival back home, but for now this is all I have gotten.
But Mack and I have had a great week. Rolo has slept with him each night, except for that one night she snuck out and came into our bed. I let her stay, but it was the worst night’s sleep! Like a toddler in the bed. No thank you!!! Molly needs to hurry home because Rolo is missing her big time.
Monday we met friends for bowling and lunch. Tuesday it rained so we stayed home except for lunch and dry cleaners. Wednesday we went school shopping at the mall and WalMart. We went to a smoothie place also. He did pretty well until I asked him to try something on…you would have thought I had asked him to sew his own pants from scratch. Seriously. Just put the pants on and let me see them. We also ended up at the batting cage that evening, which was a ton of fun for Mack. We ate at Shane’s Rib Shack. Thursday we went to see a movie, and he got a haircut. We threw the baseball while we waited for Josh to come home. We ate at home, and then we went to Jeni’s Ice Cream. Today has been low-key. Chickfila lunch and Publix shopping with laundry on the agenda this afternoon. Being an only child has its perks, but we are all ready for the girls to be home. Mack needs more people to talk to than just me. And Rolo needs more people to feed her and pet her and walk her than just me!
Mack is such a funny kid. I love hanging out with him. He loves talking and telling stories and finding silly things on youtube for me to watch. He says the girls owe him big time for how he picked up their slack in the chore area this week. And you learn some things about your kid when they have your undivided attention. Like today at Publix he was able to let me know that he likes Tide Pods and wishes I would stick to buying them because “the other stuff is too much work and doesn’t come with specific enough directions and plus my hands get messy. With tide pods I just throw a couple in and I am done.” Well, Ok then. I will take your thoughts into consideration on future grocery runs.
Thanks for hanging out with me this week, Mack. I am grateful for any time I can get with you.
The kids wanted to go back to DollyWood this summer, so we did! But first we stopped to see our sweet friends, the Koesters.
We stayed at Dream More Resort and enjoyed the pool time.
Mack and Molly in a hair towel wrap. Hilarious.
Josh took the kids racing go-carts. It was hilarious. Mack was so happy and excited and then so mad and frustrated when Molly spun him out in a turn. Then, he was in front of two goober teenage boys that wanted around him so bad. Mack held his own and didn’t let them pass. I videoed and laughed the whole time. Ruby tootled along behind everyone enjoying her ride. These people like adventure. I like to video and take photos of them adventuring.
It was a great few days away as a family. I am so glad we were able to go and enjoy a break from the regular routine. These people are my favorite, and I love them.
I am a pretty open person. Josh sometimes accuses me of being a little bit too open, but he’s come to appreciate my transparency and ability to never meet a stranger.
And this blog of mine is a comfortable place for me to just share stories or thoughts. If you go all the way back to 2008 or 2009 you will find many silly stories about my, then, toddlers and preschooler. You will find anniversary celebrations sprinkled throughout the posts and birthday party photos. First day of school and last day of school photos with curriculum highlights in between. Moves, successes, failures, funny stories and sad ones. Devotional thoughts and daily challenges are also here. Yet, to just carry on with the blog after the death of my mom has proven to be more challenging than I would like. It’s hard to go from, life, life, life, life, death. Then, right back to life, life, life. It seems inauthentic, not genuine and real. Yet, the world wide web of my friends and family who read this are likely not able to take in all of my thoughts on my mom’s death. I will leave those for the Lord and my counselor. I do pray for some of my journey to be able to be shared if it would ever help someone else that finds themselves in suffering and loss, grief and trauma. I find others’ stories of how God met them in their darkest days to be a great encouragement to my heart these days; I would love to see God use my hurt for His greater purposes. And I do believe that I will be able to comfort others with the comfort God has shown to me. Eventually.
For now I will say that life is challenging. I still find it hard to focus on a task or think clearly throughout the day. Questions still come and interrupt my day. What-ifs attack a normal afternoon. Anger and frustration mix with sorrow in a very strange way. I’ve read that all of this is normal for someone who is grieving a loved one who took their own life. It’s hard to separate the mom I lost to death and the person who took her life, seeing how they are the same person. But I am also coming to grips with the fact that her body and mind were in a terrible place of pain and confusion. After-effects of surgery and complicated recovery coupled with a dangerous anti-anxiety drug and multiple doctor appointments with no immediate or even future help seemed to wreak havoc on her very quickly.
But, I will also say louder and stronger that God has been my Comfort. He has been a refuge, a friend, a listener. He is the only One who understands me fully. God has provided books and a counselor to help me with the process I find myself thrust into. God has used His Word like medicine in a wound. He has given me sleep. He has given me strength. He has given me perspective—on my earthly relationships and on my own life, and even on my mom’s life. And He is giving me more and more of a heart for others walking around doing their daily stuff while they’re wounded. And that would be all of us at some point or another.
I thought it might be good to share some resources and quotes and verses that have been a help to me during this season.
As you can see in this photo, my Bible is there on the bottom. God’s Word is a solid Rock and a firm foundation. I go there first thing in the morning and find God’s presence to be such a comfort and a guide. Then, there are devotionals and books that have helped. I am so grateful for people willing to do the hard work and research or to be vulnerable and share their stories of how God has met them in their dark time.
Psalm 62:8 “Trust in Him at all times, Kristy; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”
Psalm 34:10 “The young lions do lack and suffer hunger; but they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing.”
Psalm 42:8 “The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life.”
Psalm 37:23-24 “The steps of a man are established by the Lord and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.”
Genesis 41:52 “God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.”From STREAMS IN THE DESERT—“You can see the rain, but can you also see the flowers? You are suffering through these test, but know that God sees sweet flowers of faith springing up in your life beneath these very trials. You try to escape the pain, yet God sees tender compasion for other sufferers finding birth in your soul. Your heart winces at the pain of heavy grief, but God sees the sorrow deepening and enriching your life.”
Psalm 145:17 “The Lord is righteous in all His ways and loving toward all He has made.”
Psalm 31:14-15 “But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times (future) are in Your hand.”
Psalm 56:9 “This I know, that God is for me.”
STREAMS IN THE DESERT— “Measure your life by loss and not by gain, not by the wine drunk but by the wine poured forth. For love’s strength is found in love’s sacrifice, and he who suffers most has most to give.”
Psalm 112:7 “He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”
Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
And all of Psalm 119 that proclaim how good and helpful and needed God’s Word is.
SUFFERING IS NEVER FOR NOTHING by Elisabeth Elliot defines suffering as, “having what you don’t want or wanting what you don’t have.” And she adds, “And out of the deepest waters and the hottest fires have come the deepest things I know about God.”
“Whatever is in the cup that God is offering me, whether it be pain and sorrow and suffering and grief along with the many more joys, I’m willing to take it because I trust Him.” EE
“I am convinced that there are a good many things in this life that we really can’t do anything about, but that God wants us to do something with.” EE
Henri Nouwen— “The paradox is indeed that new life is born out of the pains of the old.”
SURPRISED BY PARADOX by Jen Michel— page 190 “Maybe the mystery of suffering isn’t only that this world could be so fragile; maybe it’s also that God could be so close, bending His ear to the earth to let every grieving heart crawl inside and find rest. Not answers, but comfort. Not certainty, but trust. And perhaps this is enough to tide us over till the dawning of a new world when the heavy boots of death are sent straight to hell and everything fragile is made unbreakable again, where falling becomes rising and faith becomes sight. A world where wonder is finally made worship.”
GRIEVING A SUICIDE by Albert Hsu—page 49 “Lament is not passive acceptance. We do not merely resign ourselves to the cruelties of life. Instead we declare that this is not the way it’s supposed to be. We rage against the messed-up world that drives people to despair. Lament grieves. It mourns that this is the way thing are, that they are not the way God intended.”
Page 45 “When we mourn, we get outside what’s going on inside.”
Page 146 “Walter Wangerin says that grief is a process that turns the bereaved back to life. ‘The goodness of their grieving is that it brings them by stages into the stream of the living again, however slowly, however painfully.’ We do not stand by the grave forever. If we grieve properly, grief moves us back to life as different, changed people.”
Page 129— “We survivors of suicide know we have been wronged. We have been victimized by our own loved one, in an act of intense betrayal. But there is no point in harboring resentment. We cannot seek revenge. Our loved ones have already sought vengeance upon themselves. So we grieve them as victims, and we forgive them for the wrong they perpetrated on themselves and on us. After all, if suicide is forgivable by God, it can be forgivable by us. We can forgive them, for they knew not what they did.”
Page 106— “We must relinquish unrealistic desires for full explanations. Listing reasons to explain a suicide will not bring peace. When Job demanded answers from God, he didn’t get the explanations he wanted. He was instead given God’s presence. Somehow this was sufficient.”
I know that is kind of a lot, yet it isn’t even scratching the surface of the last month of emotions and reading and grieving. God is so good and so present. He is working in the dark, and I trust Him. I am standing on His promises!
It’s a beautiful day in Charlotte, NC. I just got back from the grocery store. You would think this wouldn’t have been a big deal, but every normal thing takes more effort than usual. I begin to think that I wish we practiced the ancient Jewish ritual of covering ourselves in ashes and dust and wearing torn garments so that people would know we were in mourning. But Ron, who loads my groceries and helps me to the car, asks me how my Memorial Day was. He talks about the weather. The checkout lady wants to make small talk about my cleaning products.
It’s not their issue—they have no idea I’m walking around with a shattered heart, confusing thoughts and an exhausted body.
My mom’s decision to end her life is a sad one, a hurtful one, a confusing one. I have zero answers. The questions try to hijack my day. I remember something I read in Jen Pollock Michel’s latest book, Surprised by Paradox, “Sometimes there is no untangling the why.”
I had been on Jen’s book launch team. She asked us what section of her book we thought the most or least about (Incarnation, Grace, Kingdom or Lament). I answered honestly that I didn’t think about lament very much. And now that’s all I seem to be doing.
“Evening and morning and at noon I will complain and murmur and He will hear my voice. He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle which is against me.” {Psalm 55:17-18}
This afternoon I read Psalm 131—
O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters, or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests upon his mother,
O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forever.
And I found this framed photo of me resting contentedly on my Mama’s lap.
God’s personal love and tender care for me is evident. He has matured me over the years through His Word and by His presence, and I have more and more trust in His goodness and His sovereignty than ever before. I am like a weaned child–gaining strength and no longer in need of things that at one time were indispensable. I am choosing to rest on Him and in Him. I need Him; I don’t need answers.
“But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand.” {Psalm 31:14-15}
And the Word Came With Power has been our family’s fondest read-aloud over our ten years of home schooling. We received the book authored by Joanne Shetler with one of our Sonlight Curriculum sets. We were on a camping trip as we were finishing up this book, and I can still remember like yesterday sitting around the campfire with Josh and Ruby and reading it outloud. The other two kiddos were a bit distracted with playing to tune in very well, but the three of us around the fire couldn’t stop reading. Well, technically, we couldn’t read for crying so we gave the book to Ruby to read the last few pages.
This book tells the story of Joanna Shetler’s time in the Philippines translating the Bible into the Balangao people’s heart language. She tells of the tremendous challenges and the overwhelming victories that God gave. She introduces you to people that you will never forget and will long to meet one day in heaven. You gain a respect and love for her and these people she served as you read each page.
Imagine my surprise when Josh told me we were invited to an event at JAARS (“a multidisciplinary team of problem-solvers committed to the belief—and the vision—that people’s lives and communities are transformed as they experience God’s Word in their own language“) in Waxhaw, NC to hear Jo Shetler speak! I went and found my prized book and re-read parts of the story since it had been about 6 years since our campfire read aloud. We learned that Jo lives in Waxhaw and still works in strategic ways to help the Word of God get translated and the new believers to be discipled in God’s Word and ways. On top of getting to hear her speak, we were able to sit with her and eat with her beforehand! She was absolutely lovely. I hugged her and thanked her for writing her story down. And I told her my favorite parts of the book!
I also asked her if there was one thing she’d like to say to my kids—a word of advice or encouragement or challenge. She immediately said, “Soak your mind in God’s Word.” She went on to tell a story about how a convert from the Balangao people became a traveling preacher and worked really hard at spreading the Gospel and teaching the scripture. She said that his son had a terrible experience with a neighboring gang and ended up beaten up very badly. In their culture, the way to handle something like that was to retaliate with killing the person that did this to his son. The pastor was overwhelmed with the desire to kill and show his family that he cared about them and show the other people that this kind of behavior isn’t tolerated. Responding this way would bring respect to him. HOWEVER, he was more overwhelmed with God’s Word. Scripture flooded his mind about God’s ways and how vengeance is God’s—not man’s!He ended up asking the gang and the leader of the gang’s father to meet him and his son at the police station. And for one hour he shared the love of God and forgiveness and how to live at peace with each other. They all ended up hugging! She said the policemen were dumbfounded as they looked on. And God was glorified. Hiding His Word in our hearts helps us not sin against God.
Joanna started out her talk by saying that God has a plan for reaching the world and every person plays a critical role in the mission.
She said when she was a young girl of only 13 years of age, she felt a call to the mission field. She didn’t know how or when or where, but she began to pray, “Whoever they are and wherever they are at, get them ready to hear.” WOW.That is powerful. And any of us can start praying that right now!
She also said very plainly, “It really does matter if you pray and it really does matter if you obey.” So simple. So true.
And at different poignant parts of her story, she would say this: “God will answer any prayer you pray that brings Him glory.”After several stops in her story to say this, one time she added to it that, “oftentimes the road to God’s glory is a difficult one.”
I could have listened to her for hours. She was full of wisdom and graciousness and even some humor. She knew when she was younger that she wanted to live her life for something that would matter and last. What more impactful work is there than giving people God’s Word in their own language? I can’t think of one.
I celebrated my 15th year holding the title of “Mama.” It’s such a special relationship—a mom and a child. There is such sanctification in motherhood. And accountability! They rarely miss a thing, yet they are always so quick to forgive and keep loving me.
I actually wrote each kid a note last night to give to them this morning. They are the ones who made me a mom, after all.
And each of them wrote me a sweet note. Well, mostly sweet. Ruby started with “There’s so much to thank you for, how could I fit it on a piece of paper?” She gives three reasons with explanations and included several ” I love you so much” sweetness. And ended with her signature and in parenthesis “who made you a mom.” She wants to get her full credit!
Molly wrote some sentences on an index card. Sentences like, “I get scared when you don’t sleep good” and “Thanks for homeschooling me so I can understand what all of these words mean.” Crazy girl.
And Mack’s note started out with “Dear Mamacita, Happy Mom-er’s Day!” He is a funny kid, and I appreciate all the ways he makes me laugh.
I am now resting after our Take-Out Outback lunch after our awesome church service. And just extremely thankful for how much I am loved by Josh and our kids. Josh helped them pick out and purchase a couple of gifts that I love. And Ruby bought a sweet candle and a pretty coaster for my new office. She is so thoughtful! And I am so blessed and grateful for all that has come my way as a mom. The fun and not-so-fun, the easy and hard stuff, the highs and lows, the sweet times of bonding and the conflict to work through, AND all the while God holds my hand as my perfect Heavenly Father, teaching me how to be a mom, how to love and keep on loving. How to serve and keep on serving. How to give and keep on giving. How to celebrate and keep on celebrating. How to comfort and keep on comforting. How to challenge and keep on challenging. And I pray that they will see me walking with the Lord through all of life, and that they will do the same for all of their life. He always knows best. And I am glad he saw it was best to give me Ruby, Molly and Mack.
