Don’t be like a mule. or like me.

For several days in a row a verse kept popping in my mind. I mentioned it to Josh and just said I didn’t want to be like a stubborn mule and not come near to God during this difficult time. I didn’t actually take the time to sit and open my Bible to find the exact verse, but evidently God wanted to be sure I heard Him speak to me about this particular verse. I woke up on my birthday and started a study through the Psalms. The first chapter of the book I read had a closing challenge to read Psalm 32 several times and let God speak to me. Imagine my feeling of being SEEN and KNOWN when I got to the verse I had been thinking about: Psalm 32: 9 “Do not be as the horse or as the mule which have no understanding, Whose trapping include bit and bridle to hold them in check, otherwise they will not come near to you.” 

See, I was a bit like a toddler in my heart. A stubborn toddler with her arms folded tightly, her feet stomping over and over and her head turned away from the plate of broccoli her father is asking her to try. Maybe she even defiantly said, “NO!” If she doesn’t see the broccoli or look at her father then she won’t have to actually taste the broccoli or interact with the person looking at her, waiting on her. Maybe the plate will magically disappear and maybe her father will walk away and forget all about that nasty broccoli. 

In my scenario, I was not truly accepting that my kids were back home and that school books and paper and messes would be a part of our every day life again. I was kicking and screaming that THIS LESSON OF SPENDING TIME WITH KIDS AND SLOWING DOWN TO ENJOY LIFE was not my lesson to learn. I know these things, God. I do! I have lived the counter cultural pace of life, choosing to sit down at dinner as a family for years, not giving our calendar away to sports, discipling my kids day after day and year after year from morning til night. I was clear with God that maybe He wanted to tell me something else, but I was not going to take the bite of broccoli that was seeing the benefits of slowing down and having the kids back at home. 

But even in my audacity of telling God what I don’t need to know, the Lord gently reminded me He is God and knows my heart better than I know my heart. I used Psalm 32:1-7 to lead me through a time of confession and dependence on Him. Then, as I kept reading, The Lord reminded me that in this time He is my hiding place (Ps.32:7). He reminded me that He instructs me and teaches me in the way I should go,and His eye is on me (Ps.32:8). He reminded me to NOT turn away from Him in stubborn rebellion, but to trust Him and know that His lovingkindness surrounds me. I can be glad and shout for joy because of my relationship with God—no matter the circumstances I find myself in (Ps.32:9-11).  

It was a sweet time with my Savior. His compassion for me and His patience with me is mind blowing. He is a loving Father who lets me pitch my fit, but He stays close by me waiting on me to submit to His way. I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father. 

And even with that wonderful time with the Lord, the next morning’s prayer was “I don’t know. I don’t know how to do this. Wake up, get ready to go nowhere. Wake up and stay home and oversee school work—THE very thing I gave up this year and found so much freedom in. I don’t know how to do this, Lord. I do not want my days to look like this at all. Please, please help me.”

And He did. Psalm 35 says, “Say to my soul, ‘I am your salvation.’” I needed some inner help before I could go into the day and actually do the day. I read G. Campbell Morgan’s commentary about this chapter. He says, “When the pressure of circumstances is such as to create the sense of weakness to such an extent that we feel in danger of collapse, then we need reinforcement within, stronger than the pressure from without.”  And that is what God gives us when we turn to Him and tell our soul that our salvation comes from Him alone. 

Coming to you on day 20 of Quarantine from the Dorminy House in Charlotte, NC.