Today felt normal. I got up, read my bible and prayed, took a shower and got dressed in real clothes with a tiny bit of make-up and headed to Target. I had to stock up on some basic things because our power was out for two days at the beginning of the week after bad storms came through. We needed milk and eggs, bread, all condiments, cheese, toilet paper, paper towels, dog food and quite a few other things. The next normal thing I did was go through the carwash, which was amazing. And then I filled my gas tank up. I didn’t particularly need gas, but I wanted to fill my tank and just be normal. I came home, the kids helped me unload our groceries and then I did the next things that are normal to me—cleaning toilets and vacuuming and mopping and washing dishes, enlisting the kids to help me all along the way. It was a normal morning, and I am grateful for it. {I say it was normal…I did repeat to myself off and on while I was out, “just don’t touch your face, just don’t touch your face, just don’t touch your face.”}
Then, I went with Ruby on a drive, which is NOT normal for me. I can hardly take it. She did just fine, but she doesn’t love to drive and doesn’t want to drive right now. She knows she has to learn, and she’d rather have me with her than Josh. And with so much less traffic, these really are the best times to teach her. I plan to take her tomorrow morning also. I may have to give myself a pep talk to do it, but I will take her!
It’s been many days of mostly staying home now. I have decided to stop keeping up with the exact number—it was getting depressing. I would say I am doing ok with the time at home, and I am hopeful things will be different soon. I am proud of my kids during this season. They are so resilient and seem to be adjusting to their disappointments and the new schedule. I pray for them a lot. I know my struggles—the inner frustrations, the emotions, the unknowns. And I know they also have struggles, and I pray that the Lord will meet them where they are and help them moment by moment. I am not a “Pollyana Mama.” I am very honest with my kids. They know when I am struggling. Take the two days of no power in the house at the begging of this week. Some moms would make this fun and pull out candles and boast of a candlelit dinner, blah, blah, blah. Josh tried to encourage us in this mindset, and I just looked at him. “I will light candles so I can see my food, but I am not happy about it. All of this is stupid.” He is way more optimistic than I am naturally. And he has tried hard to call out the good things about being home, which makes me want to stand firm on my “YOU CAN’T MAKE ME LIKE THIS” attitude. After our “candlight dinner,” we were all sitting in the living room with candles lit and camping lights positioned just so. One of the kids opened up about their frustrations, and I heard doubt in her voice. “We are pretty good people, so why would this happen? And if we do all the right things and things like this still happen, what’s the point?” It opened up a great conversation. An honest conversation. And one that will keep going. Life isn’t easy. We often are given rough paths to walk, and we (hopefully) find God to be the faithful one.
The One that truly doesn’t change.
The One that can be trusted fully.
The One that can handle our questions and doubts.
The One that leads us to truth.
And as I reminded this child of truths I have leaned upon over my life, I was encouraged. God is faithful. He doesn’t promise a perfect life, but He promises to never leave us. He is close to the brokenhearted. He holds all things together. We can rest in Him. Even when we can’t see what He is doing, He is always working, always aware and always in perfect control. Even in the middle of stay at home orders while the world faces a global pandemic. Even when the power goes off. God is The Light, no matter how dark it feels. I pray you sense the warmth of the light of His presence today. He is with you.