Grief is a burden. Webster tells us a burden is “a load, typically a heavy one.” Some days the load feels heavier than other days. Yesterday was a day like that for me.
I had time at home alone, so between some laundry switching I spent time in my office taking a short online course, reading, and writing. In the process, I looked over the books on my shelf and pulled out GRIEVING A SUICIDE by Al Hsu. I ravenously read his words upon my return from burying my mom this past May, so I knew opening the book to see what I had underlined and circled could be painful. I opened it anyway. The similarities are striking in his story and mine in that he, too, was going to visit his mom and dad and was just hours away from seeing him. He, too, wondered if his visit pressed his dad to make this decision. He, too, questioned why he couldn’t have gotten to see him one more time. He, too, doubted the people who would say, “Your mom loved you so much and if she had been in her right mind she would have never done this.” He, too, has to come to the end of wrestling with questions and realize there are no answers. He, too, is pained when he thinks about all the things his dad won’t be a part of in his life or his kids’ lives. He, too, carries a burden of grief and trauma for the rest of his days. Thankfully, he, too, knows Jesus Christ as His Lord and His Savior and can find a place of rest and comfort and healing and hope.
Psalm 68:19 says, “Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden. The God who is our salvation. Selah.” (selah= pause and reflect on what has just been said.)
In The Message translation it reads like this: “Blessed be the Lord—day after day He carries us along.”
It feels like I am carrying a burden of grief day after day. But the reality is that God is carrying me. He bears the burden when I unload it on Him. And I have to do that over and over again as the weight can sometimes unknowingly build and build. He is carrying me up the mountain and carrying me through the valleys and along every trail in between.
So last night as Ruby sang this song I was moved to tears. Partly because of gratitude to God for this season of life and the opportunities He affords my kids. And partly because there were a couple of grandmothers in front of me doting on their grandchild. Ruby and Molly didn’t have that last night and it made me sad. I tried to reason in my mind, “Well, Mama lived in Augusta and probably wouldn’t have been here anyway.” But the absence of her is felt deeper and heavier some times, no matter how I try to talk myself out of feeling horrible. So I pray. And I pray some more and find God to be right there with me. It’s my prayer for you today–no matter what you’re walking through, be reminded that God is with you, carrying you even. He’s worthy of our praise in the highlands and heartache all the same.
Oh, I will praise You on the mountain.
I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way.
You’re the summit where my feet are.
I will praise You in the valleys all the same.
No less God in the shadows.
No less faithful when the night leads me astray.
You’re the heaven where my heart is—
In the highlands and the heartache all the same.