Unpacking from the beach involves dirty clothes, putting away bathing suits and beach towels, and, for me anyway, washing and drying the plethora of seashells I gathered as I strolled the morning shore.
After the kindness of the Lord this week, I also want to unpack all that I gleaned from my time with Him.
A week at the beach holds many opportunities to pay attention to the Lord in ways much different than home in the city of Charlotte where days are filled with responsibilities and daily troubles. Sometimes a new location heightens your sensitivities.
I sensed the Lord wanting me to read Psalm 139 each day of my trip, so that was my plan. But on the first morning, before I could get to the familiar chapter, I was captured by an article entitled, “Am I a Quarrelsome Wife?” I read through the article, feeling quite convicted. Then, this sentence stopped me—“And Gillian stood in the middle of it all, unhappily carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.” And then this addition, “…her presence an inhospitable place.”
Ouch.
During my morning walk, I asked God to forgive me for being so ridiculous to think I could carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, yet confessing it oftentimes all feels like a bit much. But He is the only One able to carry the world, of this much I know in my head. I just feel like He may be too busy so I must carry my little world on my shoulders in the meantime.
This attitude has tainted my good intentions far too many times when I have meant well and wanted to serve and help and plan….and also desired recognition for my hard work and I wanted appreciation…lots and lots of appreciation. To live with someone like this—who feels like they’re doing it all (I’m not tho. Not even close) and is bitter about it (I sometimes am), can be as confusing as a spring day when the sun is shining and warm, then it is hidden by clouds and the air is chilly and harsh. So confusing and frustrating.
I had some dialogue with God:
O, Lord, forgive me for “curving life in on myself.” I am asking You to make me into a reverent, gentle, thoughtful, grateful, hopeful, generous woman of God. I do sense in many ways I’ve embraced my limitations, my fence, my boundary lines. It’s been quite the journey to get here. I am Josh’s wife—supporting him and enabling him to soar in work and at home. I’m Ruby, Molly and Mack’s mom—giving up pursuing any outside career for pouring myself into motherhood and home. I’ve accepted the truth that you cannot have it all, despite what our culture says. Someone has had to think about what’s for dinner every night for 23+ years and that someone has been me.
I sensed a few thoughts from God: Don’t resent this. Be humbled and honored that you’ve been the leader of some of the most important building blocks of your family. Dinner time feeds more than bellies.
Lord, make me a grateful woman.
Then, as I was walking back towards the beach house, I started humming, “He’s got the whole world in His hands; He’s got the whole world in His hands….”, and I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders.
He is limitless. I am limited. He knows all. I don’t. There’s freedom to be had when we walk in these truths and don’t feel like we have to have it all figured out. He’s got it all in His hands. We can rest like a child in His lap.
