I woke up pretty early this morning because I had to take Mack to school and drop my car off to be serviced and get to the gym.
I sat down, coffee in hand, and opened my journal. I love a fresh start, so May 1st falling on a Monday was energizing to me. However, without being fully awake, I circled May 20 at the top of my journal.
It took me only half a second to realize what I had done and scratch it out, but what I had done stopped me in my tracks. May 20th is the date that sticks out to me this month. It’s the date my mom died by suicide.
To be honest, I don’t have time to wallow in sorrow or even to reflect all that much. May is filled with moving Ruby home from college, Senior Sunday for Molly, Senior chapel, Mother’s Day, a beach trip for Ruby and me, Molly’s graduation party on the 20th, Mack gets his braces off, they have exams and last day of school and senior trip and Ruby’s 19th birthday and a family trip, and much more!
But I also know I must make some time for reflection, some time to check in on my heart, check on my dad and sisters and just be sad for all we lost that day. For all the memories we haven’t made with her these last four years. For my kids to grow up without grandmothers (Josh’s mom passed away in 2012) makes me sad. Grandmothers are just the best. They think you’re awesome all the time. And they have the best stories about your parents.
So as I closed out my time with the Lord, I reflected on one of my favorite verses these days—Psalm 143:8 “Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I entrust my life.”
I love that last line, and I’ve rolled it around in my mind and my prayers lately. There are parts of our current circumstances that I don’t like one bit. Yet, this is where God has me today. These are the things I face and the people I’m to interact with these days. At the moment, there’s no escape. I can’t speed up this season to see what the results are. I have to walk through it moment by moment, entrusting my life to the only trustworthy, perfect, all-good, sovereign Savior. He loves me unfailingly. I can trust Him with my life—the salvation of my life and all the nitty-gritty-in-between stuff, too. Today, May 20, and every single day to come.