44

I turned 44 years old on Tuesday. These years in my forties have been fruitful in a hidden, personal kind of way. In 2015, I had an impression of God picking me up and carrying me away. Sounds mystical and odd to some, but it was real to me and I journaled about it and told Josh about it and then moved on with life. Over the course of those next six months it became evident that we were going to be picking up our life in Georgia and planting ourselves in Charlotte, North Carolina. And now, from this point in life, I can look back over these almost five years and see how that impression of God carrying me has been so true of this season. Couple the growth and stress that come with a major move with raising teenagers, and I have a recipe for lots of prayer and an increasing realization that I don’t know much of anything. I mean, I hope we are doing this right, but doubts abound. Life is challenging and someone always needs a little extra attention, a little more instruction and training, and always more money. 

There are some things I reflect on over the course of 44 years and feel as if they were wrong turns, bad decisions, seasons of floundering, suffering, mistakes, missteps, darkness, or meaninglessness. I know mentally that God always sees me, always knows the path I take, but I must acknowledge it sometimes feels like His eye is not on me or maybe He isn’t paying as much attention as I want Him to. 

Deuteronomy 1:30-33  says, “The Lord your God who goes before you will Himself fight on your behalf, just as He did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness where you saw how the Lord your God carried you, just as a man carries his son, in all the way which you have walked until you came to this place. But for all this, you did not trust the Lord your God, who goes before you on your way, to seek out a place for you to encamp, in fire by night and cloud by day, to show you the way in which you should go.”

About these verses, G.Campbell Morgan says, “…we learn that in the government of God nothing is haphazard. How often life is a wilderness way! As we journey, there seems no map, no plan, no time table. The truth is that our God is not only accompanying us on the march; He is ever going before us, selecting the places of our pausing. Wherever at night we pitch our tents, the place is chosen by God. That is all we need to know.” 

I was challenged in remembering the faithfulness of God over my whole life, that He is fully trustworthy. Looking back on past seasons, I can say that I wish I had trusted Him more. Looking ahead, there is a list of things I am tempted to worry about or situations I might like to manipulate—but instead, I want to be carried into these future seasons in my strong Heavenly Father’s arms, trusting Him to go before me and show me the way in which I should go. He is faithful and will do it.